


Snowmageddon

by ScotCoyjedii



Series: The Adventures of a detective dwobbit [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dis is Terrifying, Dwarf Courting, Dwarf Marriage, F/M, Fell Winter, Female Bilbo, Frerin Lives, Hobbit Culture, Hobbit's live as long as dwarves, Hypothermia, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Lots of dwobbits, Mild Language, Oblivious Dis, Oblivious Fíli, Oblivious Kíli, Petty-dwarves, Snow and Ice, Swearing, Tags Are Hard, Thorin Feels, Thorin Has No Sense Of Direction, Thorin is a Softie, Thorin's pretending to be clueless, Worried Dwarves, and overbearingly commanding, as i make it up as I go along, because Bilbo asked him to, dwarf courting is extremely long!, dwarves with no sense of direction, neither does his son in a snowstorm of the century, orc's, this time, unbetaed, without internet and on a cell phone did i write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 10:30:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4603422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScotCoyjedii/pseuds/ScotCoyjedii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ragnarok Baggins is kidnapped by orcs trapped in a snowstorm and buying his time he chooses to be stupid instead of smart. In retrospect it probably seemed like a good idea at the time, famous last words. In his defense he has a better sense of direction than a log. Other than that he's pretty bad at giving directions and finding his way back the way he came.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snowmageddon

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I think I should mention I've been through a snowstorm it was called Snowmageddon.  
> Warning: Hypothermia, mentions of freezing to death, and gore  
> fixed the titles spelling, and more details so yeah.

Ragnarok has never felt dumber than he does now. The Fell Winter the hobbits began to call it they didn't have enough food stored to last an extremely long winter. Being the eldest of quintuplets I volunteered to go hunting, I always went hunting as food grew scarcer. Then the Brandywine river froze over and all Hell broke loose. Orc's came into the Shire breaking through the holes in Ranger's lines, our people's protector's via an old agreement. On their wargs they came to kill as many of us as possible normal wolves as well, Dire Wolves with seven smaller packs forming one big clan as they began the hunt.

Ragnarok was the eldest of quintuplets born by a strange ailment known as the Purple fever their was no issue really after they were born. He was born first Lotus following close behind, Fenris was third, Rose Lyall came 4th and Sleipnir came last. All of this he learned from his mother thankfully she refrained from giving him the gory details and painful ones that usually followed in childbirth.

 

 

When she started actually courting their da a dwarf know as Thorin Oakenshield (the main reason he came to the Shire so often other than work was to see us) we were gifted with twin younger brothers jokingly they were named after his nephew's. Kili Baggins II was the elder of the two black haired with blue eyes and his brother Fili Baggins II blond hair with grey eyes. A trait that seemed to skip at least a few generations on both sides. My beloved brothers, we were only a year apart in age rare for such to happen in dwarves usually their is at least five years between siblings or more(or less). Fili proved to be talented in the forge and Kili was as good as making armor as he was in making comics the two worked together to make a masterpiece for my eighteenth nameday.

 

 

The labor took 15 months for them to complete the armor for my arms long almost dire wolf teeth (they were just fake teeth I will not tell you how they did it) going from the top of my pauldrons down to the fingerless vambrances a single tooth in the center of the top of my hand covered by armor. Going down in a line from my shoulder down to my hands best gift they ever gave me. I still have them considering I stopped growing at 4' 11" so they chose the right time to make them. I like all my siblings had the hobbit ears silent walking though I wore boots like my sire it seems my feet are small like my fathers, having the hair on them (never as much as other full blooded hobbits) without the thick soles. The reason why I wore boots was because of my lacking the thick soles that hobbit's had I had gotten picked on relentlessly for that by fauntlings as a small dwobbitling. 

 

 

I had pitch black hair like my da did and a full beard like his in length he said I should let it grow out he didn't have 'the right to allow his to grow out' when I tried to push the subject he didn't say anything more. When I went through puberty by voice dropped from a tenor to a baritone according to my uncle who was into music and could tell the difference. 

 

Then their was Sleipnir can't track anything worth crap, around 4' 3" tall a blonde with mutton chops who other than that resembled our grandfather Bungo he was full blown incompetent with anything that wasn't a bow or arrow. Lotus wielded a flanged mace made by our da, Rose Lyall wielded a war hammer and also wielded an ax being on her person at all times, Fenris had a thing for halberds and axes.

I admit to switching between the twin swords my father made once I was deemed ready to wield a real blade to the one elf blade of red and black steel from the first age: Rayakis. A scimitar of black and red with the usual elven design with a slight dwarven look to it the hilt was a black color unlike the legendary sword Orcrist with a dragon's tooth as the hilt. It had a normal steel (it was actually Ironwood) look to it nothing special with a black look to it via some wood finish that turned the warm red with a golden streaks running through the ringed wood. The runes glowed on the flat of the blade a bright green instead of blue the runes were that of first age Khuzdul a dwarven ring image emblazoned on the lower half of the blade engulfed in stylized flames obviously of dwarven design. The pommel was strange as it had some sort of seal carved into the pommel it looked like a personal rune of some sort I couldn't tell you who's it was to save my life.

On other matters directly at hand at this very moment as I missed the point right at hand.

No one was prepared for it with so few hobbit's with weapons training minus about four hobbit's in the Clan of the Wolf four hobbits doesn't make a army. The closest thing we have to a everyday weapon is a hand scythe we aren't exactly fighters minus the amount of dwarves that married hobbit's. A number that you could probably count on your hands because well not every cared much for love or the fact Hobbit's had no shortage of females. None of them close to Hobbiton and the closest honest weapon was a club the closest one was in Tookland miles away! I am told a club was a barbaric weapon but it gets the job done, none of us in Hobbiton minus my own siblings knew a thing about fighting and my mother who was handy with her sword.

Yes we managed to hold our lines with the help of our guard dogs but with the petty-dwarf inventors hiding in a deep hidey-hole's (not that anyone can blame them, they want to keep as many people as possible in the dark about their survival) minus Old Cogs. He liked making things interesting with a very nice boom! His maniacal laughter echoed in the cold as we held our lines outside but we could only hold them for so long. We lost too many to wolves and Dire wolves the orc's were few but we still felt their impact many of the young and very old were hiding in the catacombs. 

Funny thing about a mauling in the wild the only thing your going to find is a few blood drops and no body rare is it that you find a body. Now we aren't in the wilds we are in the urban society that was Hobbiton. People were getting pulled from their homes as the red bitch Dire wolf with one dead eye, broke down doors to get to hobbit's within, her black with red eyes beta. The black furred dire wolf shattered the kitchen window of Bag End trying to get to my own kin with its bulky body snarling, drooling onto the floor my sisters screaming in terror as our weapons were our of reach.

 

It took a close friend Dmetri Bramble a nice hobbit, no a great hobbit who had been trained in the way of the spear and trident by my grandda Bungo Baggins. Pulling him out the window by a leg with a crunch of bone. A scream escaped Dmetri's lips as he tried to grab onto something to escape the beasts grasp he stopped the beast from a moment when he too a ragged glass shard to his paw. Undeterred it pulled it through the window he tried to latch onto the window frame but got a nasty shard of glass in his hand as a result making him let go and being dragged outside. To his death as the blood on the snow was his own and the wolves too the drag marks were clear in the snow red and purely cruel that a hobbit at only 39 had to become a meal for such a vicious beast. 

 

 

I took my rifle as the beast devoured him on Bag Shot Row's road to my innate disgust and horror the last thing the hobbit ,now bleeding out lying on his back the beast paw on his abdomen holding him still as he struggled,would have seen was the beast devouring his heart. Yes the path was dirt like all paths in the Shire we liked dirt beneath our feet something about underground water table's too or ground water. It was too late for my friend Dmetri the black Dire wolf mussel coated in blood its fangs dripping in gore mixed with its spit. It pulled its mussel into a snarl fury raging in its eyes red as the blood coating it and the snow beneath my boots, unfortunate that the same hatred and bloodlust was now raging through my veins and was present in my eyes as well. 

 

A single shot through the chest and the dire wolf fell to its own doom the debt was repaid but the victory was hollow. My mother at the shop said they were running out of bullets and that another storm was coming and it would be overhead likely within three days. The Rangers were being held back by extremely deep snow that their horses couldn't get through and while we could hold our lines for a while via Old Cogs automaton lions, guard dogs and Old Cogs own military experience (explosive devices). We wouldn't last forever as we are running dangerously low on bullets, arrows, and people as the wolves are working with their larger cousins! Who would have guessed it two hated rivals now working together to try and get an easy meal.

 

 

Mum herself had slain the red bitch dire wolf herself in revenge for killing her favorite cousin Leo Took when he tried to save her from the red wolves clutches. He did so at a cost but we were losing numbers too many numbers to these blasted wolves I have no doubt that when I return that we will number in the less that six hundred in Hobbiton. Meaning that Hobbiton will be taken off the map til our numbers rise once more to a a little over a thousand to be put back on a map once more.

 

 

 

I volunteered to go to Ered Luin and get the dwarves helps as the Elves of the Grey Haven's I'm not sure if they'll help us they might but their horses won't help us here the snow's too deep. I'm not sure if they even like the cold I wouldn't really know as I never met an elf before my dad said they aren't to be trusted, I can understand if their a wood elf but their are exceptions to every rule I suppose. Lady of the Light she is a beaut I've heard I've never seen her but I believe the stories that she is the most beautiful elf and not even a dwarf is immune to her looks.

Anyway trying to get help from Ered Luin's stronger race of dwarves sounded like a great idea till I got caught by those blasted Orc's I cursed my proud Durin blood for sticking out in my brothers greatest creation. They caught me off guard as I headed to the city my father helped rebuild from the ruin it basically was or at least in decline due to it being without a lord to oversee it for at least two hundred years. I managed to slay a good part of their numbers before being over whelmed, I was strange because I had this thing I didn't care much for how they died I just wanted them dead having Tokora train me likely was either a bad idea or a good one. Of thirty in the small band all had wargs after I was finished with killing off at least half of their original band. They knocked me out when I woke I was shackled, my pack taken away from me and my weapons seized paired with a fact I was being taken likely to a nasty old mine or hole in the ground they called home. To serve out my life either as a slave or be tortured to death likely considering that they took me alive for some reason likely enslavement was my final fate or death I don't know. This cold is addling my brain making my thoughts garbled and personally nonsensical to even me the very person thinking such thoughts. My armor was making me freeze faster and my white fur cloak was ripped and tattered by the short battle between myself and the orcs. 

 

 

Armor and cold don't mix if anything it makes you colder I'll make a note of this for future reference. During my short time captured I knicked from one of the orc's the key for my shackled hiding it for a time in my pocket before my plan was enacted I took hiding the key to my shackles in my mouth, clever me. In the dead of night while the orc's took shelter in the shelter of a ring of pines pitching tents they weren't as savage as everyone once thought though they still were savages despite this. Unlocking my shackled creeping up on the orcs that were my jailers silently from behind breaking their necks swiftly taking my weapons from them killing them all. Cutting off arms or legs, crushing their chests under their armor ,cutting off heads, some were split in two and others well they were left in pieces. 

 

 

 

The wargs I killed them after I killed the orcs they were awake too bad I didn't get to take a few warg skulls home as a trophy to add to my animal skull collection. Being a taxidermist has a few perks as well this was one of them. As the storm kicked up I took a few warg pelts and some warg meat retreating putting on my cloak again finding a cave at the base of a steep cliff nearby wargs were known for never using the road used by dwarves or normal people. In hindsight it wasn't a good idea as I didn't have any dry wood or anything of the sort to create a fire I would need flammable accelerant like alcohol or the like to even get a fire started. It wouldn't stay started without the accelerant or something dry to keep the fire going.

I didn't have accelerent to start a fire and after the storm died down two days after finding the cave nearly going stir crazy finding a rock and just taking to drawing on the wall. I drew whatever I wanted though the natural light was kind of a problem because of a lack of a fire. I ended up drawing a map of Karhugish that I memorized and my siblings my brother Fenris often joked if I wasn't a taxidermist I would have been a artist but I argue taxidermy is like art only in a different way. With dead animals. 

After I could leave the cave leaving behind a drawing behind and many a rock shard carving the lines into the cave at the base of the cliff eventually after about a week I had gone through my jerky rations unable to start a fire forced me to take drastic measures. I was forced to eat raw warg meat it was about as frozen as they come and had freezer burn on it from being kept on ice to keep it from rotting. I swear to Mahal and Yavanna that if I live long enough I'm never going to eat my meat medium rare _ever_ again! I nearly puked because it was so foul, worst experience in my life at only eighteen I made more mistakes in a matter of a few days than I ever thought I would make in my lifetime. I fell in a frozen stream and nearly died I was so cold I could only hope that I would make it our of this alive

 

 

 

 

'Don't disrobe. Do that and your dead!' I kept repeating that mantra over and over again in my head remembering how many times my gramdma healed a hobbit suffering from extreme hypothermia the paradoxical undressing is usually the state a few hobbit's were found in. I was only five when I was an onlooker to watching Cousin Otho Sackville-Baggins near death state he bounced back unlike his companion who died.

 

 

I barely registered passing the city gates I was frozen my mind was slowly shutting down like my body. I was dog tired I hadn't taken a break since dawn yesterday trying to beat the snowstorm I failed to beat it and ended up getting trapped in the center of it. I pushed myself hard to try and beat back death my stupid pride didn't allow me to come all this way. I remember seeing the captain of the city guard wearing winter-y garb asking what I was doing five other of the Ered Luin city guard flanking him they might have been worried. I couldn't process anything right now.

 

 

 

"Which ways up ? Which ways down? I don't know anymore I cannae even tell west from north or south."I mumbled. 

 

 

"Your going to haf ta speak up!" The captain said harshly their was a hint of regret and softness like he was trying his best to be nice.

 

 

 

"What are you? I don't know my heads to addled to know either."I grumbled. I swayed drunkenly I wasn't even drunk I was too young to drink any ale I wasn't even twenty one!

 

 

"You alright?" One of the gaurds asked catching me grabbing my arm.

 

 

 

"Frozen!" I snarled at him I remember blacking out as I welcomed darkness. Be it death or just plain exhaustion I slept not knowing what laid ahead.

 

 

 

 

I woke to a kind old dwarf's face an ear horn in one ear he likely wasn't as deaf as he thought.

 

 

 

"Get Dwalin ,the boys awake." The healer ordered one of his fellows who hurried off afterwards.

 

 

"Laddie what's your name?" The captain not exactly decked in all winter garb anymore though he still wore heavy winter-y clothing.

 

 

"Ragnarok, Ragnarok Bag-Baggins of Bag End." I shuddered I wasn't cold anymore of which I was eternally grateful.

 

"Dwalin, the healer is Oin, and my brother Balin." Dwalin introduced me to them half ass but considering the circumstances I didn't mind.

 

"So here's the laddie? We thought you were going to die for a while there." Dwalin said his white haired brother in tow.

 

 

"Can someone damn well get me a blasted shirt! Before I bloody freeze to death _again_!" I snarled.

 

 

 

"He's blunt." 

 

 

"A dwarf straight from my own heart."

 

 

 

"I don't court dwarrow's too complicated and deep for me ,same with elves. I'm happy with a harem of lasses of the shire surrounding me for now." I dissuaded her from courting me or even thinking about it.

 

 

 

"Lad your stupid."Balin stated unusually blunt.

 

 

"I'm a dumbass thanks for noticing ." I smirked a classy scowl upon my face.

 

 

"You look like Uncle Thorin when you do that." Prince Kíli noted.

 

 

 

"I'll ignore that." I got a shirt on and some new clothes that were warmer and dryer.

 

 

 

"Your lucky you didn't catch anything from eating warg meat raw. Powerful digestive system ye haf kid."

 

 

"Ragnarok, it's my bloody name use it!" I snarled glowering at the guardsman.

 

 

 

"Even when you had a fever and were sick for days? And unconscious!" Fíli snorted getting a broken nose for his trouble.

 

 

 

"That will be the last time I break your nose because next time I will knock you out. Test me and you **_will_** fail as so many others have found out." The way I said it especially with my baritone made even the oldest shutter in fear. Fíli nose was indeed broken and bloody to prove it. Thrain just laughed clapping the boy on the shoulders.

 

 

 

"My sisters are going to kill me when I get home." I thought outloud.

 

 

 

"Especially Lotus she'll be livid and Lyall she'll be armed with a razor when I get back."

 

 

 

"She's gonna threaten to shave you?"

 

 

 

 

"No,no why ever would she do that? She uses it as she threatened to castrate me. Before mum disarms her and locks away the straight razors."

 

 

 

"Come on Dís wants to see you." The guards told him taking him to Lady Dís.

 

 

 

"You wanted to see me Lady Dís?"

 

 

 

"Yes I did."

 

 

 

"Óin told me you were half dwarf..."

 

I tuned her out much to her annoyance she snapped at my attention.

 

 

 

"You have any food?"

 

 

 

"Well yes."

 

 

"You are right I am a Dwobbitling. Though not sure when I'll be of age yet."

 

 

"Dwobbitling?"

 

 

"It sounded better in my head."

 

 

"Ragnarok your mothers worried sick about you-?"

 

 

"Da?"

 

 

"Glad to see your alive and well my son." 

 

 

 

"Food first? Then we drink ourselves stupid make complete arses of ourselves and forget this exchange ever happened?" I suggested.

 

 

"Let's."

 

 

Da was surprised by how much I ate and Kíli started playing a jolly tune a couldn't help but have a few tankards of ale they failed to mention it was at least ninety years old.

 

 

"Thübak that was awesome."

 

 

"Better than the hard Apple cider."

 

 

"You have been busy? "

 

 

 

"Have you found a craft?"

 

 

 

"Taxidermy. Talk to the twins about armor - making and forging I donna haf a clue." I said as they brought me a new white cloak, my cleaned and de-iced spiked shoulder paldrons of black steel. 

 

 

"What they make me look intimidating?" I said after putting them on they were surprised how it looked on me.

 

 

 

"Let's knock em dead."

 

The dwarves helped the Shire get rid of the wolves and orc's alongside the finally arriving rangers rescuing the hobbit's hiding in the catacombs the dead that could be recovered were moved to their new final resting place. In the catacombs.

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing, other than my OCs which I do own. I might have snuck in a little dire wolf pack and clan structure from 'Wolves of the Beyond series' by Kathryn Lasky. Very slight I mentioned it but they don't have the same type of hunting as those wolves do.  
> Yes I think I was inspired by KISS for Ragnarok's attire, he has this tendency to cross dress too on occasion. I'm tempted to draw him but it seems I won't be able to,sorry.  
> edit:  
> My apologies for not being specific, I did a good part of this on my cell phone before I got internet back. Apparently a cell phones Data network isn't reliable as they make it out to be. 
> 
> Bella's a bit older in this one an adult with children about eight and another pair of twins on the way. I'm going to go out and call this timeline (so I can keep it straight in my head) the Obsidian starcrossed timeline. I have plans to link this all together somhow.


End file.
